I'm not going to the gym today, and that's alright.
I've had a panicked feeling inside my gut for two weeks now, and although I should be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it's long gone. I'm looking for breathing room but feel like I've forgotten how to breathe.
Like being buried by everything.
I don't remember if I'm on my first cup of coffee or my second, but I decide I'm having oatmeal with strawberries for breakfast. I'll pull my hair into a ponytail, put my contacts in, and write the lab report for the field campaign. That's due today.
Last night I hardly slept. I dreamed I had to keep altering variables in the computer code for my take-home final that was due yesterday, and my program wouldn't work. It was several hours before I was able to fall back to sleep- held captive by my anxious brain that would not let go of the seemingly impossible tasks ahead of me. Every day is a mountain I can't see past, and the map tells me it's only going to get harder.
I'm reminded of hiking mountains with my hotshot crew, fatigue and heat threatening to do me in as I stared down at the hot, dry dirt beneath my feet. And I just put one boot in front of the other, head down, never giving in. No matter how painful, no matter how slow, no matter how much I wanted to quit. Always forward.
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