Hard Women

Today was my first speedwork run of the new training season, which made it more miserable than usual. Not to mention I'm aiming for a slightly faster speed than I've ever done the repeats. In my head I was going to do 3x1mi repeats, but when I checked the calender, it said 4x1mi repeats. Bah!

On my last repeat, as misery was overtaking me, I thought about the poem by Brenna Twohy.

"& did you know
this is how we evolve?
Hunted girls
grow shells
& they call us
'hard women.' "

I thought about when a man is chasing you, you don't get to slow down just because you're tired.

I thought about how, years ago when I was on an engine crew, there was a guy who took a liking to me. He told the other guys on my crew, who proceeded to try to hook me up with him. They told me he wished I was more feminine though. That struck me as odd. If you already want to change me, don't think I'm going to give you a chance.

But as a small female, I have been targeted as prey by men on several occasions. I've been lucky in that taking an aggressive stance and shouting has led them to back off. So far.

I used to run the mountain roads alone at work in the morning. They say that if a mountain lion comes at you, you're supposed to get real big, wave your arms, and shout. Making myself as large and intimidating as possible has saved me from many dog attacks. Turning to square off with two large cows one time saved me from god knows what.

But there I was, 27 years old, and a man was saying I should be more feminine.

More delicate.

"As if survival
could ever be delicate."

When I was 16, I was followed home from school on more than one occasion. I have been chased by men on my runs... on a busy road or bike path... in the middle of the day. I've had to shove men away in clubs and bars. A man in Belize charged across the street at me until I squared up with him and shouted "Hey! No!", after which he followed me down the street shouting obscenities at me.

How am I supposed to make myself smaller, and more delicate, when that would certainly make me even more of a target than I already am? This world has made clear to me that I am not big enough, not strong enough, not intimidating enough.

"& they call us
'hard women.' "

A friend of mine was attacked a couple years ago on a run Christmas morning. Her injuries weren't too bad, but psychologically it damaged her for quite some time. She now does Krav Maga (self defense developed for the Israeli Defense Forces). She's smaller than me. She's had to make herself hard too. She just got her orange belt, and I've never been so proud. After being attacked, it took months before she could even run again because she was terrified. And people judge her for doing this aggressive training. I don't get it.

I took a self-defense class years ago when I was an undergrad. They tell you that being aggressive can sometimes convince a would-be attacker that you're not worth the effort. A girl in Belize was surprised that I follow that line of thinking, because I might come across as a bitch.

I would rather be a bitch than dead.

I would rather be muscular and intimidating than a delicate flower whose throat a man could crush with just one squeeze.

And so I press on.
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I Guess I'll Tell It Like This
by Brenna Twohy
did you know
sand dollars grow heavier skeletons
in rough water?

& did you know
young sand dollars
can't make themselves heavy enough
so they eat pebbles
to weigh their bodies down?

& did you know
the things
that
I
have
swallowed
just to keep this body
safe from the current?

& did you know
when I say the current
I mean
this body;

& did you know
there is a man
I can only talk about in metaphor,
the way his tattoos
make an avalanche
of my mouth

(even now)

& did you know
there are whole years
I have dropped
to the bottom of an uneasy ocean;

& did you know
this is how we evolve?
Hunted girls
grow shells
& they call us
"hard women."

As if survival
could ever be delicate.

As if we haven't been chewing rocks
for generations.

As if we haven't been rebuilding
our own bones.
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