Far Away Places and Forgotten Times

It's Thursday night- not like the days of the week matter in between semesters- and I'm listening to Ray LaMontagne Radio on Pandora, drinking wine. It might as well be Friday, or Monday, or Wednesday. I try to stick to a routine as I do best while following a routine, but it's hard to get up at 5am when you know you don't really have to be somewhere at a certain time.

The rain has been keeping me up. And every time I'm lying awake listening to the rain, I think about Matchbox20's song, 3am- "She only sleeps when it's raining".. and I can only think.... she doesn't sleep when it's raining....

So I listen to the rain and toss and turn. It's a good thing California doesn't get much rain (don't quote me), otherwise I wouldn't sleep.

I got zero of my thesis done today. But sometimes that happens. And it sounds like my advisor has several back up plans in case I don't graduate this semester. I'm trying not to freak out when things don't go exactly to plan.

A song comes on and I'm reminded of eating fancy dinners at the Blackbird Cafe in Black Mountain, NC with Crystal. We were on a winter hotshot crew, earning summer wages during the winter, which was new to us Californians. So we lived it up. We ate at expensive restaurants and stayed in fancy hotels (at a government discount rate) when we needed a break from the crew. We got facials.

Another song comes on and I'm reminded of Ireland with Corey. And I would definitely go back. Soft days...nearly every day.

I was turned on to Ray LaMontagne while helping Gwen paint a mural of trees and owls on the guestroom wall. The songs make me calm and sad at the same time. I think maybe they made me feel in love when I indeed was actually in love. But being single, they mostly make me feel alone, though not in an incredibly bad way. More in the way of standing in a room, hanging photos or painting a wall- making life your own when it's only your own. 

Mostly my memories of far away places are alone, and I'm okay with that. I frequently get a longing for a place I've been- that comfort that comes with being in a totally strange place, where you can't possibly be expected to keep your shit together. And being lost and confused is expected and acceptable.

I'm leaving for Japan on Monday, and I don't speak Japanese, which makes me a little nervous. But my longing for strange places is so natural that being lost is being at home. I must have a gypsy soul.