The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

I've seen the signs everywhere. First was the lack of cohesion on my new crew, then the realization that the post office does not deliver to residences or do anything more than sit and be a post office. The lack of a public swimming pool within 40 miles threw up a red flag, as well as the lack of shopping choices.

What made matters worse was the sketchy cell service and barely there internet access. And would you believe stores opened and closed at random, completely out of sorts with their posted hours of operation?

Then came winter. That really honestly should have been enough. The first snowfall should have sent me packing and heading to warmer climates. My first near death experience on icy mountain roads didn't quite do it either. As I hiked up the side of a mountain, knee deep in snow carrying my gear, a full drip torch, a tool and a 45lb can of drip torch fuel I felt like I belonged in the Everest film- trudging at a snails pace and barely able to catch my breath.

I attempted an escape up north only to be sidelined by injury. Being back in San Diego made me nostalgic for all the things that spelled home for me: public swimming pools, the ocean, plentiful stores and shopping centers, all my friends, home postal service delivery (what a concept!) and no ice on the roads.

But not until today, yes this very day, did I fully understand exactly what I had left behind. And it wasn't until a certain moment today that I realized home is so much more than where you hang your hat or tuck away your heart. Today I realized that home is a web of community that spins itself around you and makes you who you are. Not like clothing you wear but more like the skin you are in. I'd like to say I'm resilient and flexible, that I can survive in any situation. But living is more than surviving and it's so comfortable to fit back into your skin like an old pair of shoes you wish you hadn't thrown away.

What exactly led me to this conclusion today? Quite simply: the staff at the local swim shop recognized me when I went in to buy a pair of goggles and mentioned how they hadn't seen me in awhile. It was right then and there that I realized I had done something horribly wrong. How could I leave my swim shop? They were part of the swimming family/community that I had grown with and that fit into such a big part of my life that yes, that swim shop did make me who I am. I have spent more than my entire college tuition at that swim shop. I have worn their products more than any other piece of clothing.

It really rubbed into my face the fact that when I go back to my station I will no longer have ease of access to: a swimming pool, a swim shop (what if my goggles break?), postal delivery service, the big majority of my friends, the ocean, stores, a non-slippery surface on which to operate my vehicle, the comfort of knowing I will not get snowed in and die, frozen yogurt and sushi, and a gym that has heat in the winter.

I miss swimming, I miss my coach, I miss swim meets, I miss surfing, running in sunshine, hanging out with my friends, rollerblading (try that in the mountains), quick errands to the store, my local running shoe store and my local swim shop. I miss sidewalks (yeah they don't really have those up there) and SDSU (I really do miss that place). I miss stores that are open past 7pm... and swimming pools! Any old 25yd lap pool with public admittance (year round). I miss not having to drive 3.5hrs to get to my orthodontist or hair salon. Coffee shops open past 8pm!

I could go on forever. The point is this really won't last and I'll make it home eventually. Right now there just isn't the opportunity so I will roam a little longer- but maybe closer to larger towns.

Tourist Season

San Diego looks different with tourists splattering its beaches and highways like bugs on the windshield of a cross country road trip. Maine lobsters bake in the sun intent on going home with the cherished California tan. Kids splash about on rented surfboards wearing life jackets and floppy hats and water shoes while enamored parents snap photos with digital cameras. They stroll through souvenir shops buying shell necklaces, t-shirts and henna tattoos in hopes of permanently marking themselves with San Diego as if to say "I was there, I have carnal knowledge of the California sun". Umbrellas dot the sand with multi-colored stripes and polka dots and the occasional tropical-hut fringe while little blond girls bury each other in the sand in front of rented beach houses. Lifeguard towers mysteriously multiply and put up yellow and black checkered flags to separate the swimmers from the surfers. Red shorts and straw hats keep a watchful eye until all the pasty whites go home lobster red with shells and beach balls that will collect dust in their attics during the snowy winter.

Not Everyone Wants Kids

The other night, my tequila clan was discussing not wanting kids. I was actually quite amazed that I wasn't sitting there hearing an argument about how "when I find the right man" I'll want kids, or "when I get older" I'll want kids. It seemed no one in my clan wanted kids... and we're all female. Hmm. Odd.

So I googled "not everyone wants kids". Phew. We're not alone out there. All my life I've been told: you will when you get older, wait until you meet the right man, you'll change your mind, it's the most wonderful thing in a woman's life. Let's address these, shall we?

You'll want kids when you get older. I understand why people told me that when I was 16 and repulsed by the screaming snotty little creatures, but people, I'm almost 30 and I don't hear anything resembling a biological clock. So if I want kids the day I turn 50, I'll let you guys know.

You'll want kids when you meet the right man. Hmm. From what I understand, the right man for me would share the same values on core (and very important) issues... meaning he wouldn't want kids either. So if I ever meet the right man, he won't want kids, so wouldn't that be counter intuitive? Why would I be with him if he wants kids? He's not the right man... so even if I was with him, I haven't met the "right one" yet. Self explanatory?

How could I possibly miss out on the most important thing in a woman's life? Well really it's all relative. If it's not in your life, there's probably other important things that you enjoy. I enjoy my job, I enjoy my freedom to just randomly buy a plane ticket and go somewhere. I enjoy living in a quiet house all alone. I enjoy being able to sleep where ever and only having to worry about getting home to water my plants before they die. I'm a strong, independent and free-spirited woman, and I think that's extremely important. And I certainly don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

For people who don't even like kids, here's one for you: It's different when they're yours. Really. I would beg to differ. Newspapers are cluttered with stories of parents who definitely didn't feel that way. I don't think the woman who drowned her 3 kids felt that way. I don't think the guy who dropped his kids off at a fire station felt that way. I actually don't even think my own mother felt that way. I really don't think 25% of parents feel that way. I honestly see tons of parents out there that aren't entirely glad they're theirs.

I'd like to share a little story with you as well. I have a friend in her mid 30's that has been married (recently divorced) and has no kids. She's got an awesome (and successful career) as a firefighter. She's been a smokejumper and a hotshot and is now looking at making Chief. She still doesn't want kids. She's got a dog that she mothers quite well. She told me a story about a discussion she had with her grandmother who was dying. She asked her grandmother if she had any regrets in her life. Her grandmother's only regret was having kids. She said "don't get me wrong, I love my children but I think my life would've been fuller without them".

I think we all want something different out of life. Here's a quote that makes my point beautifully: People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. Not everyone wants to be a parent. Not everyone who is a parent should be. I'm a little confused by everyone's insistence that I'll one day become a mother (intentionally). I'm told I'd make a good mother. Well, maybe. But I think I make an absolutely fabulous child-free person as well.

For Lack of a Life

Apparently there's nothing more pressing for me to be doing on a Friday morning at 7:30am than to be surfing the internet. The internet is a fantastic place.

First of all, I found an excellent picture of thoracic outlet syndrome that for some reason I was unable to find when I was really looking for it. This image is from "Adam" if any of you have heard of it. It's an anatomy tutorial for the layman.


I'm very impressed with this picture. Wish I had it earlier.

Anyway, another weird thing I found out may be a little harder to grasp for those who don't know human anatomy very well. I was looking through chest anatomy pictures specifically at the layering of muscles. I'm fairly well versed in anatomy and came across something that made me say "What the heck is that?" out loud. I was unable to copy the picture to put it here, so you'll have to go to the link if you want to see it: http://www.freemd.com/chest-pain/anatomy.htm and click on "muscles".

The superficial muscles of the chest were self explanatory. We all know we've got "pecs" there. Women too. If you look at the deeper muscles of the chest though, you'll see all the normal stuff-- and possibly something called a "sternalis" muscle. It runs vertically along the sternum. What?

Apparently the sternalis is a "normal variant" in anatomy and may possibly be a "misplaced pectoralis major". Very interesting. In it's early stages of formation, one of your pec muscles gets a little confused and forms elsewhere. It has been mistaken for breast tumors. Very interesting. Just thought you all should know.

A Walk on the Beach

Candace, Emily and I went for a walk on the beach last night to get some air and a little exercise. It was a little overcast and chilly but it felt really good to be next to the ocean again. We kicked off our shoes and let our toes sink into the sand. Emily found some shells and a feather ("fedder").

Mom and Emily- Emily triumphant with her new found feather.

It was pretty windy, my hair doesn't normally look like this. Emily's does though. She's got pretty wild hair.

Emily said this piece of seaweed was gross.

She found a hole to jump in and made sandcastles (more like little moguls) as we walked.

As we were walking back to the car, Emily found a friend (a "dog") that she named Wolfie, just like the Wolfie (doberman) who lives at home with us. Emily dragged Wolfie around on it's "leash" (long piece of seaweed) and Wolfie ended up going back home with us to meet the original Wolfie. Here are some videos that help explain the adventure:

(Wolfie starts to drag a little in the thicker sand)

(Emily explains what Wolfie is)

Emily's sandy hands on the way home.

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I love this picture because of how carefree Emily looks running.

Colorado

It's nearing the end of my trip to Colorado, so I figured I may as well post some pictures and news of what's all been going on here. My aunt, uncle and cousin live here along with their dog Dillon.
I've been getting some great girl time with my aunt and hanging out with the rest of the family at night and on the weekends. I guess some people work for a living.

This is Dillon. Every day after everyone does their morning workout, my aunt and I take Dillon to the park to run all his energy out of his system. He's a golden retriever, who doesn't retrieve. He goes after the ball and takes it under a tree and drops it... then waits for you to walk over and throw it again. While you throw it, he hunkers down into the grass like a lion, except that he doesn't look very intimidating at all. I tried so hard to get a picture of him doing it, but he wasn't very cooperative. This is the closest I could get. Doesn't he look scary?

For physical activity I've been walking, riding a stationary bike and doing water aerobic stuff. It's been pretty frustrating to go work out with the intention of holding back. When I'm doing water aerobics, I want to swim. When I go for a walk, I feel the urge to run. Well today we all went for a big hike in the mountains above Boulder. The altitude and my convalescense made it a little tough, but I kept up. My cousin carried my lunch though. That was sweet of him.

This is the view from the trail. I believe that's looking out toward Rocky Mountain National Park.

And this of course, is me taking a lunch break at Saddle Rock. After that we headed all the way back down to the car. I got home and took at pretty solid nap. Overall it went very well and I was glad to get a real workout in.

Obstacles

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals."

I just got this quote sent to me from joesgoals.com. I've read it before and I used to agree with it. But isn't life and goals more like driving a car, where you should be scanning the horizon for obstacles in case you might one day smack into one?

Picture this: you're climbing a mountain. The peak is almost straight up, so that's where you're looking (if you're not taking your eyes off your goals) so you smack right into a boulder and shatter your kneecap and are sidelined for the rest of the season. "Why didn't I see that coming?" you ask. Well because you were so focused on your goals that you didn't pay attention to what was going on around you. Maybe if you were scanning the horizon for obstacles while occasionally looking up at your goal to be sure you were still on the right track- you'd still be well on your way to the top of the mountain.

So really, you should see those obstacles. Look for them, scan the horizon and plan accordingly. If you saw something laying in the middle of the road while driving, would you wait until the last second to go around it, or would you start to go around maybe 20ft ahead of time? If you can't see the obstacles (you're going around a tight turn) maybe you should plan for them anyway. As you go around that turn (a point in time where for some reason you're hoping everything will go right) slow down in case there's a bear (or moose) crossing in the turn. Plan ahead. Have a way out or an "escape route".

My little stroke of genious for the day... my job here is done.

On the road to recovery

I had a feeling this would happen. Being in a great deal of pain subdued my desire to get off my butt and do something... which makes healing and recovery a lot easier. However, now that I'm feeling better I want to get out and do things. What have I been jonesing to do? In no particular order:

1. Run... far. On the ground (as opposed to in the water).
2. Ride a real bike, not the stationary one.
3. Yoga! (And pilates too)
4. Swim. With my arms.
5. Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups.
6. Do weight lifting.
7. Lay on my left side (which caused a bit of a panic when I attempted to do so last night and felt something shift where there shouldn't be any shifting).
8. Ooh. Surf. Waves, not the internet.

What have I been doing instead? Walking on a treadmill (uphill), riding a stationary bike and doing water aerobics. I suppose it's better than nothing but I've got a little belly growing out of me that isn't helping my self esteem and my muscular arms are shrinking and looking rather soft.

Right now I'm in Denver with my aunt, uncle and cousin... and their sweetheart of a dog: Dillon. Dillon is a 2yr old golden retriever. He doesn't retrieve though. We take him to the park everyday and throw the ball for him. He runs after it, picks it up, runs into a corner and drops it. Then he waits for us to go get it and throw it again. He does this little crouch thing in the grass which reminds me of a lion crouching to catch it's prey... except that Dillon looks entirely harmless and completely adorable. I tried to get a picture of it and failed miserably.

Well I better get some food in my stomach and get off to my water aerobics... it's just me in the pool by the way. Kinda nice.