Sunday Farmers Market

I have lived here a year now and have just attended my first farmers market in the area. The city can be a hectic place for a little hermit like me, so I don't get out to explore much, but I'm always grateful when I do. So maybe I should get out more.

I'm not a walker. When I think about this, it surprises me somewhat. When I was a little girl my mother walked us all over San Diego, miles and miles. The only time we'd take the bus is if our arms were loaded down with shopping bags from the mall and we were faced with walking up the huge Texas St hill. I think I'm just too impatient to walk. It takes so long to get from one place to another that you might as well run, or bike, or drive. There are more efficient ways to get around.

When I run along the local bike path and see people walking together, drinking their lattes and catching up on the week's events, I think it looks pretty fun. More fun than running 12 miles. When I see people walking the sidewalk of a busy street, with a grocery bag in their hands, I assume they can't afford a car and must walk or take public transportation everywhere. Nobody chooses to walk as a form of transportation.

This morning I decided to go to the farmers market that's pretty much in my neighborhood. It's the closest one. It's 2.5 miles from my apartment-one way. That created a situation. I could bike there and it would be really quick. But what would I do with my expensive bike while I perused the market? I have a lock, but this baby was worth $2500 in its youth (nearly two years ago). I'm fairly careful with it.

I could drive, but it sounds like this is the most popular market around and parking is a hassle. Plus, being as my new life involves a lot of sitting (which I love-sitting is fabulous), I should take advantage of opportunities for a little exercise.

Walking 5 miles round trip seemed a little extreme, but I thought of all the walking I did as a kid....and all the running I do now, and figured I could handle it.

It is absolutely frigid out there.

As I approached the market, which was not quite open yet, I saw a man walking toward me with a bag in his hand that looked as if he had already been to the market. His eyes lit up when he saw me and he opened his arms as if to give me a hug. Maybe he thought I was someone else? He didn't look crazy. I stopped short so he wouldn't hug me but gave him a smile and said "Am I late?" (like for the market).

"No!" He said with a smile, and then continued, "I walk ten hours everyday! I can't sleep. You know, I just went through a sleep study and I was hooked up to all these wires, I felt like Frankenstein. Well I had to go to the bathroom, and you know what? The technician had fallen asleep on me!"

I laughed "Well he must've been exhausted!"

"Yeah! And I dance like Elvis." He gave me a little demonstration and then pulled the hood of his sweatshirt down. "Do I look like Elvis? With my flat top?"

"Yeah you do a little bit!" (Not really)

"Well, goodbye!" He said with a smile and held out his hand.

I shook it and told him to have a nice day and try to stay warm.

I continued to the market where they were getting all set up.

I had read about a very famous and delicious bread company (I guess it was a restaurant first and now sells bread) that sells out quickly and usually has a ridiculous line. The line forms well before it opens. It's a little expensive which is fine being as I don't need to develop a bread habit to replace the sugar habit I'm trying to ease up on. What I really need to develop is a salad habit.

I sampled an amazingly sweet fuji apple enroute to find the bread place and vowed to come back.

Found it! They were still getting set up, so I joined the line that was forming behind the canopy.



As we waited in line, I discussed my flip phone with strangers (always a conversation starter) and how it was my first time here. Turns out this place is opening up a retail location at the end of the month. The jam guy next door let us sample some of his jam while we waited.

Across the way is a cool lamp shop.

And a little bakery where apparently every Sunday, all chocolates are 10% off.

And here they are! The goods!

I got the Ham and Cheese Seeded Brioche and the Caramelized Onion Gruyère Tart. The brioche was my second breakfast.

So incredibly amazing! The bread was so soft and flavorful and it was stuffed with ham and cheese. I slowly strolled and looked at the other booths. I bought some of those delicious fuji apples, some amazing looking lettuces and a fresh bunch of dill (one of my very favorite herbs-love it!!).

I headed back home, still bitterly cold. I took the bike path back that gets me about halfway there and watched runners go by me in shorts with legs reddened by the cold. Runners are so crazy. What are we running from?

A couple of presumably homeless people stood by the creek, smoking cigarettes and drinking out of a can of what looked like bud-light. It was 10am. The lady called out to me asking if my new jacket worked- if it really kept me warm. I replied that it did and took mental note of her sweatshirt which was most likely not keeping her warm. "Bless your heart!" she called out, and I responded with "Have a great day!"

I finally made it home to my somewhat warm apartment (the heater needs to be fixed-the landlord is calling tomorrow) .

What's left of my spread (minus the brioche):

Now I'm going to take a hot bath and then make a nice fresh salad.

The Void

I had a dream the other night that I was staring up at the stars and could see the galaxies much like the pictures from outer space. I study and watch shows about science and contemplate black holes, worm holes, the flexibility of the space-time fabric, and wonder what's on the other side.

Trying to wrap my mind around the concept of time itself, my mind wanders to the faces of those I've lost and I'm maddened by the inability to grasp that I have lost them forever. I don't understand where they go and how it could be that my life that is defined so much by those who raised me, cared for me, loved me, could ever be without them.

One day they are just...gone. Gone is a word that demands an explanation-gone where? For how long? But just gone- by itself- is like staring into that mysterious black hole, longing to understand. Gone. In the most concrete and undeniable sense of the word.

And I think about how, one day, I will too go out into that void and it is both terrifying and not. Terrifying because this is what I know. My body is programmed to live at all costs-and it doesn't know what it is to simply shut down. Not terrifying- because that's what we do. We close our eyes and slip away and leave no clues as to our whereabouts. One day we are born, we experience this life for a time, and then, we are gone. And it's ok, it's natural.

Would life be so precious if we all lived forever?

Finals are over!

My Meteorology final was last Friday, so for this week that left Physics, Calculus II, and Computer Programming. Physics was Monday night from 5:15-7:30pm. I am not a night person. By that time I'm usually getting ready for bed. I've also had a cold.

I packed a sensible lunch to eat just before my final and headed off to school to get settled before the test. When I got to campus I realized I had left my lunch on the couch. Booo!!!

More than anything else, food is my most important value. More than good studying, more than a good cheat card of notes, more than coffee. Food is most important. More than sleep really. I would have to get Jamba Juice and hope for the best.

Also I have a cold.

I took Sudafed, Tylenol, and Motrin and headed off to the Jamba Juice on campus. I had two tissues in my pocket. After ordering a smoothie with whole grain boost (more filling), I turned around and eyed the Peet's Coffee behind me. Sure, why not? I ordered a double shot of espresso while I waited for my smoothie.

Off I headed through the rain to my Physics exam. I slurped the smoothie as I waited for my espresso to cool, downed the espresso and continued on the smoothie. Finished it off, peed for the last time before the exam and settled in.

Not even halfway through the exam my tissues were used up and unable to be re-used. It was cold in there, so I had a jacket on and therefore could not access my sleeves. Ugh. I sniffled out of control until the end of the exam.

I went home, blew my nose, had dinner and took a hot bath. I splashed the hot water on my face to soothe my sinuses and said loudly "Mushy brain, mushy brain! Ugh!"

And then remembered how thin my walls are. I wonder what my neighbors think of me sometimes.

Tuesday I was off. I went to the gym and came home to tackle studying for Calculus and Programming. They would be back to back Wednesday morning, starting with a 2 hour calculus exam and then on to a 2 hour programming exam.

My friend in the other section of calculus texted me after he had taken the exam and told me it was on rocket science. The whole thing. I'm a spaceman with a rocket ship. Ready go. Crap.

I studied as much as I could of the other stuff we were supposed to know, made an epic cheat sheet and left room on there for rocket science.

I googled calculus and rocket science. I pulled up NASA's webpage and a couple others and proceeded to dive into a crash course on rocket propulsion. Exhaust velocity, thrust, varying masses, air drag. Just to name a few. I walked through their equations on a launch as well as flying a rocket at constant velocity on earth and then in space. I put the equations on to my cheat sheet and then attempted to study for Programming.

Nope.

Wasn't going to happen. Oh well. Tomorrow morning.

I got a good lunch all pulled together and went to bed.

I got up this morning and studied for Programming, ate a good breakfast, packed my lunch (and remembered to bring it with me). I was prepared. I had a protein shake, a pear, rice and beans, sweet potato with cottage cheese, cheese curds for if I needed a snack during the calc exam, a small thermos of coffee, a bottle of water, a roll of toilet paper for my nose, a small bag to throw used toilet paper in, my calculator, cheat sheets, pencils, erasers, and an attitude that at this point, I have done what I can. I can do no more.

I took no Sudafed, only Tylenol and Motrin. I didn't need to unnecessarily get my nose going. It's already raw.

No joke. The calc test was on rocket science. How did I do? Who knows. Here's the interesting thing about my calculus class. No one knows where they're at. The average test grades for both mid terms were F's. Apparently he grades on a large curve. I also failed both mid-terms, but the second one I didn't fail as badly as most people, which is the important part. Just gotta stay ahead of that curve.

I finished the exam 20 minutes early which gave me plenty of time to eat and pee before my next exam. The girls were happy to see me walk in as they all wanted my notecard to copy-which was crappy anyway. I talked them through a few examples I had written down. I downed some coffee, blew my nose, set up snacks, tissue and my trash bag around my desk.

Off we went. We had a written part that was slightly more challenging than I expected. Then we had a programming part. Parenthesis got the best of me today. In two different programs I struggled and tried to work around errors. In the second program there was no working around it. Something was wrong with my code and it wouldn't run. Why can't the operands be used for this case?!

The computer likes to give vague errors for your program but not any suggestions on how to fix it. The instructor announced there were ten minutes left. And I had no idea how to get my code to run.

Aaarrghh!!!!! I wanted to yell. I was so frustrated.

I clicked back and forth between different codes.

Then....

Wait....

How many parenthesis are there....

Oh geez. I added a couple more and it fixed everything. My plot popped up and I almost yelled out loud. I may have jumped silently in my seat, I don't remember. I made a legend, saved it, and copied it to my instructor's folder.

Now I'm home. I've taken out the trash. Beside me sits a cup of hot chocolate with a few shots if Irish Cream in it. We get our grades on Christmas Eve. Nice. That's when I will know whether or not I failed calculus. Great Christmas present.

Finals Week

Finals week is in full bloom...even though it's Sunday. I survived one final already- Meteorology was on Friday. I'm now attempting to write our final essay where I describe how the different sections of the class has enhanced my knowledge of climate change. There were three sections basically and I have to say that the second section did not enhance my knowledge of much at all. Mostly because I didn't understand it. What happened during that time is somewhat of a blur to me. I know the topic was thermodynamics, but that's about all I can say on that.

I'm trying to get over a wicked cold I've had for a week now. I feel like it's coming to an end but the sinuses are still bugging me, and since I wore my retainer last night for the first time in weeks, I can't tell where the sinus pain ends and the teeth pain starts. The tylenol is starting to kick in, although something happened during a neti-pot session and now my ear hurts.

My foot is still giving me trouble after taking a week off running and then trying to ease back into it. My January marathon is now up in the air. Time to get back on the bike.

I have a Physics final tomorrow. My Calculus and Computer Programming finals are back to back on Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon I will come home, curl up in a ball on the floor, and have a nervous breakdown. I think if you make time in your schedule for such things, you're less likely to have one randomly, say in the middle of a calculus final.

I might also consume a large amount of sweets before and during that time. Nothing comforts tragedy quite like 12 servings of brownies in one sitting.

Resting

A ball of Trader Joe's pizza dough is sitting on the counter in my kitchen, "resting", as if it had a hard day. I can almost guarantee it did not. Per instructions, I very gently removed it from the bag and laid it on a lightly floured surface (my cutting board that I actually need right now) to "rest".

I've always been squeamish of yeast. Plenty of people use it and some of them do so successfully. But I've heard a lot about how picky yeast can be so I've made it a rule to just stay away from it. Judging from Jason's reaction to my homemade pizza crust without yeast (whole wheat no less), it's time to ease into a life of yeast. What better way than with a pre-made dough that I hold no responsibility for except to ensure it receives adequate rest and massaging. Sounds fairly prissy to me.

I have a week left of regular class meetings and then on to finals. I have never longed so badly for finals week in my entire life. I crave it. I dream about it. It's all I can think about. We're still getting new information thrown at us but all I can think about is my study plan for finals.

Today I had a crazy craving for sweets (what's new?) and managed to make it through Sprouts without buying any. But I had to stop by Trader Joe's for pizza dough and knew I was doomed. All in all I think it could've been worse. I don't know how many of you have been in a Trader Joe's but there is so much scrumptious stuff in there that is very hard to resist. The worst I came out with was a container of "Smashing Smores". Little bite size chocolate covered smores bits. Yum!

Tonight I'm catching up on all the cooking and food prep I did not do this weekend since Jason and I were in San Diego. Also laundry. And homework. Which of course is why I'm blogging. So I can procrastinate everything else.

My apartment will be so incredibly clean come finals week.....and then so incredibly filthy the week after.

Weather

Weather has such a big impact on my moods. I often wonder how anyone else gets anything accomplished on gloomy days or when the days get shorter. Doesn't anyone else want to just hibernate all winter?

I'm not even in that much of a winter area these days. Although, the other morning it was 44 degrees and I had to go out in it. It was awful.

Today it's rainy and I'm pretty much done with being productive. I just want to lay around and do nothing. Thankfully my workout is done for the day, but unfortunately, my homework is not. Ugh.

Forget being a meteorologist, I want to be a groundhog.

Crawl out of my hole, look around, if I don't like what I see I'll just crawl back in until it's a more pleasant day. People can feed me and parade me around on tv. I like it.

This morning I found myself driving to the gym, staring through the darkness at the street lights and wondering how on earth I got myself there. I didn't want to go, but there I was, halfway to the gym with a green light in front of me. Amazing.

I warmed up on the stationary bike and then went over to the squat rack. I moved some things around so I could do step-ups. Then I switched to straight legged dead-lifts. Bah, I'm not going to do squats. I'm kinda over it.

Next thing I knew I was doing squats.

I normally do abs on upper body days, so I figured I was off the hook today.

You only ran yesterday. You didn't go to the gym and you didn't do abs. And you ate a ton of cookies at the seminar yesterday.

And then I was doing abs.

I've come to realize that I'm that girl that goes to seminars where they serve a couple snacks of chips, cookies, fruit, cheese and crackers....where everyone puts a couple little tid-bits on their plate.... and mine is full like I'm at an all-you- can-eat buffet. I sat down with my plate next to my friend.

"Dang!" she exclaimed.

Maybe I have a problem. Anyway, I was hungry. I was just coming out of calculus and my lunch was upstairs, and we had a guy from the National Weather Service giving a talk on the forecasting challenges in California. If his presentation from a couple weeks ago for the career panel seminar was any indication, we would not be getting out of there in the allotted hour. I needed food.

So in any case, today I'm pretty burned out on pretty much everything. After the gym I was moseying around the kitchen, making breakfast, thinking of maybe showering, maybe having some more coffee....I looked at the coffee pot and realized- holy crap I have class this morning! No time to shower. Eat and go.

We have a break in between a couple classes and I usually get some work done during that time. Not today. Not interested. Over it.

Today was laundry day. Almost at emergency rations here. Nope. Not happening either.

Sooooo much homework......nope.

Couch and a blankie it is. Goodness. I hope this disappears by finals. 

Caffeinated. And other not so short stories.

Sometimes I'm hesitant to pick up my computer since it seems these days all I do is sit at a computer. Such is my new life though. I'm one of those now. But I cherish the times I can pick up my computer and speak English to it, and "use my words" as opposed to code. Sometimes I don't want to have to tell my computer that for i in arange(len(x)/4): N.mean([T,0]).

I was just laying on my living room floor as I like to do sometimes to gain perspective. Try it some time. Just lay down on the floor. No pillows or anything. Maybe because it grounds me, I don't know. When I'm doing a homework problem I just can't get a handle on, I pull my notebook down to the floor and it's solved within minutes. When life throws more at me than I feel able to handle, I lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. Straightens me right out.

Today I noticed that I've been talking to myself out loud in public a little more than usual. I think talking to one's self is fairly normal, but for some reason society has deemed it unacceptable in public. Call me crazy, but...well actually you might call me crazy. I think it's the stress.

Tuesday was just one small incident. Not a big deal really, but it started me thinking.

I was overwhelmed. I took a horrible, terrible, nightmarish calculus exam on Monday and then had a surprise quiz Tuesday morning. My headlight decided to pick that day to burn out. I had to pick up a prescription at Rite Aid so I figured after that I'd go in search of an auto parts store.

As I pulled into the Rite Aid parking lot, I saw an O'Reilly's Auto Parts sign. It was in the same exact parking lot!

"The gods are smiling down on me!" I shouted.

Oops. I looked around. I'd like to think no one heard. But what on earth was that?

Also noted was the very small amount of luck that made such a huge difference in my day. I was having that kind of week where any tiny amount of help from the gods was just a brilliant light at the end of a long dark tunnel (maybe from an oncoming train?).

I got my prescription and my headlight and went home and installed the thing. A little tricky but no big deal. Trying to shove a headlight and hands into a tiny area was slightly challenging, but I did it and it worked. Time to study for the next day's physics exam and get some of my meteorology homework done.

Yesterday I woke up at 4:30am, went to the gym and did leg weights and then went for a 5 mile run. I showered, ate, packed my lunch and headed off to school. I finished my notecard for my physics test and did some more studying. Off I went to calculus.

I had to leave calculus early to go to a career panel seminar in the meteorology department. That was almost two hours long. I went back upstairs to my new office to finish my meteorology homework before my physics exam. I didn't quite get it done and the calculations were getting scary.

My physics exam was even scarier. A bullet of mass m is fired into a steel block of mass M and remains embedded and they both slide 6 meters. The coefficient of kinetic friction between the block and the table is .200. What was the bullet's initial velocity?

I remembered doing a problem like that for homework but I'm pretty sure it involved more information. In any case, I think I got halfway to solving it. I found the velocity of the block upon being hit by (and joining with) the bullet but didn't realize that that was what I got. I guess after that I had to repeat my cycle of knowledge and logic and find the speed of the bullet before it hit the block. Bah. Anyway.

However, it turns out that if the potential energy (U) for a pair of atoms is (a/r)-(b/r^2) where r is their separation, then it can be said that those atoms repel each other. So that's good.

I was so exhausted coming home from my physics exam, but I still had work to do.

I got home and pulled out my homework and as I stared down out the equations for calculating vapor pressure and dew point temperatures, my eyes watered and burned. I couldn't keep them open. I went to bed and decided to cancel my workout for this morning so I could get to school early and finish my homework.

4:30am came early this morning. My coffee pot gurgled and sputtered as I tried to pry my eyes open and pull myself out of bed. I grabbed a cup, put it on my end table and curled up under the blankets, waiting for it to cool down enough to drink. I had two cups and managed to get to my office/school before 7am. We were low on water for coffee. I went two floors down and hauled a large jug of water up two flights of stairs and started a pot.

I managed to finish my meteorology homework and entered class just before 9 am partway through my 5th cup of coffee. I thought about Debbie's old blog "It's a Three Cup Day".  I should change mine to "It's a 12 cup day."

About halfway through cup 5 I decided I should not have any more coffee. But I didn't want it to spill and I'm pretty sure it's a crime to dump coffee, so I downed it while furiously scribbling notes on adiabatic lapse rates.

Then our meteorology lab started. I knew there were leftover cupcakes in the grad room (I forgot how awesome cupcakes taste! I love sugar!!!). I kept dreaming of them. I tried to grasp the difference between mid latitude and tropical cyclones while my body tried to handle too much caffeine and fatigue.

Cupcaaakes.......

I kept taking notes. A couple of the girls fell behind in the notes and the instructor had to repeat them. I already had them down. I was highly caffeinated. Now would be a good time to go get that whole thing of cupcakes and bring them in for everyone. Most of the people in the class are undergrads who are afraid to venture into the grad room.

I turned in my chair to eyeball the door. One of the guys had snuck out and was coming back in with a cupcake.

"Seriously?" I said. "You didn't bring any for everyone else?"

The whole class turned around and gave him hell. Suddenly all anyone could think about was cupcakes. Who could focus on warm and cold core lows when this was going on? I stood up and started walking out. One of the girls leaned over and grabbed my arm.

"Are you really going? Are you?" She raised her eyebrows a couple times. "Are you bringing some back for the rest of us? Really?"

I think we were all a little strung out. Most of us are also in the same physics and calculus classes together. A couple hours earlier they had stared blankly at me while I tried to explain how I had gotten the answer to one of the homework problems.

I came back in the room with a box of cupcakes and two boxes of cookies. I put them down in front of the pre-diabetic guy. Oops. Everyone dug in and he asked how they tasted.

Back to cyclones. Three of us girls huddled around a computer now high on caffeine and sugar, watching the paths of cyclones and computing the energy they put out just from latent heat of condensation alone. More than some Soviet bomb that happened some time ago.

But then there was Katrina and Catarina and we were supposed to compare them. Apparently our excited buzzing about which hurricanes or cyclones we were supposed to be comparing was drawing a lot of attention. All three of us were so out of it we didn't even notice.

"Wait, who are we comparing?"

"George and Isabel."

"We didn't see Isabel."

"Yes we did, back at the beginning, look."

"No, that was Wilma."

"No, it's Isabel. Look....oh wait. Hmm. That's Wilma."

"So we're comparing George and Wilma."

"I think we're supposed to get it out of the text."

"What text?"

"George and Katrina."

"Wait, what was that video on?"

"That was George."

"Hmmm...wait, let's see what it says right here. Hmm...comparing side by side."

I should note at this point we had been staring at two cyclones sitting side by side on our computer screens for quite some time now. None of us picked up on the fact that what we were supposed to be comparing were literally staring us straight in the face.

"Hey, look at this! What is this?" I clicked on the photo of Katrina. I clicked on the photo of Catarina. "Look! Catarina, Katrina, Catarina, Katrina, Catarina, Katrina (as I clicked back and forth between the tabs, highly fascinated). This one says Katrina, but this one says Catarina. Is that a typo? Look at that."

"That's two different cyclones I think."

"Really? Oh, that's dumb. Who would give names like that?"

We stared at the screen a little longer.

"Comparing side by side. Hey, I think we're supposed to compare these two....let's see....oh yeah! It says so right here. Compare Catarina and Katrina!"

We turned around when we heard chuckling behind us. Two instructors and the rest of the class were all sitting, listening and observing. We might have been pretty loud. We were pretty spun up.

We finished the lab and I set about trying to pick my classes for next semester (or rather which sections of my classes to take as my classes are decided for me). My meteorology classes are set in stone and I have to figure out how to fit physics and calculus around those.

Ahhh....tricky situation though as calculus III (yeah, the third semester of calculus if I ever get through this one) only has 8 sections, 3 of which are out of the question because they butt up with meteorology (you know what? It sucks trying to spell meteorology all the time....from hence forth it shall be MET and you will either understand it or you will not. I quit. Right now.....anyway) classes.

The calculus classes are filling up already and as a grad student I can't add an undergrad class until the first day of classes when they're all full anyway.... unless I can schmooze an add code from an instructor. Turns out I can do it for physics. It has yet to work for the math department. Jerks.

I came crashing down from my coffee/sugar high about the same time that I realized there's a possibility that I won't be able to get the classes I need due to some retarded rule no one has bothered to fix.

I went up to my desk upstairs to sulk over my salad for awhile.

And....as it turns out, when you replace a headlight on your vehicle, you're not supposed to touch the glass with your hands. I guess the oils on your hands heat up more than the glass, which causes the glass to heat up unusually...which causes the damn bulb inside to explode. Who designs these things and why is this warning not printed on the box? Seriously?

So I replaced the headlight again today....

I started this blog to discuss my talking to myself in public habit and apparently got off topic. Today I caught myself having a full on conversation out loud up in the lab, which fortunately I was the only one there. The thing is, when I'm in these little, well, I don't know...moments? I just don't even realize I'm doing it until I snap out of it and realize I'm doing it out loud. It's not just in my head anymore. Should've stopped the voices while they were still in my head, "harmless".

Yesterday walking to my physics test I was kind of doing it but not really out loud....except that I was making all the facial expressions (and possibly hand motions) of being in a conversation. My eyes focused on a girl coming at me who was looking right at me. Shit. I smiled and said hi, she smiled back.

Eeek. I wondered how much she saw. I also wonder how much the 200 other people walking by me in between classes saw. How is this happening? Am I schizophrenic? And now that I think about it, does the "phrenic" part of schizophrenic have anything to do with the phrenic nerve? Hmmm....is there a phrenic nerve or am I making this up?

Oooh! Ha! There is a phrenic nerve. Googled it. It's important. It's in your cervical spine. Keeps you breathing. Probably has nothing to do with schizophrenia.

I had so much studying to do today when I got home from class......

Nope.

It's almost Friday. I need to breathe.