Holidays and Other Intrusions

I'm a weird duck.

I suppose it's a lot like when you sit back and start to contemplate your own mortality. When I consider my list of quirks, I realize it borders on psychosis.

This morning as I was sipping my coffee and staring out the window into the blurry morning that comes with hating my glasses but not being ready to put my contacts in, I started categorizing holidays by which was the most stressful. This started last night as I realized I have yet to make New Year's plans, which needs to be approached with care, as New Year's plans for me means finding the best way to sleep through New Year's Eve without being woken up at midnight. Top most stressful holidays (in order):

1. New Year's Eve
2. Halloween
3. Christmas

For the record, my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. Nothing wrong with eating food all day in a low stress environment. But here's a brief explanation for the ranking above, which prompted me to explore my neurotic tendencies further.

New Year's Eve: By far the most atrocious holiday ever. I do not hate any holiday like I do New Year's Eve. That's right, I hate it. Probably the only holiday I actually hate, instead of "don't care for". First- it arrives well beyond my bedtime. I hate how people suggest that staying up until midnight one night of the year shouldn't be such a big deal for me. Why would you want to start the New Year feeling tired and sick? Isn't New Year's about starting your year off right? A clean slate? Why would I muddy my clean slate with exhaustion, a possible hangover, and the decreased immunity that follows? And the pressure. Oh my god, the social pressure that comes with New Year's Eve gives me a panicked feeling much like when that camera crew from the Chamber of Commerce stopped by a few weeks ago and everyone started pressuring me to do an impromptu interview. Everyone thinks I should do something for New Year's Eve, and my biggest pet peeve is when people think I should do something I don't want to do. I could go on... but just the thought of New Year's Eve makes me angry.

Halloween: While I don't necessarily hate Halloween (see above), I'm not a big fan. And there's a very simple explanation for this: I don't want random people knocking on my door. That's it. It stresses me out. There's a social anxiety component to this, that I'm completely aware of, but don't feel like it's something I, nor my therapist, need to address.

Christmas: I bet a lot of people would put this first, but Christmas in itself is actually a fairly pleasant holiday. One thing that gets me worked up a little is that I always want to find "the perfect gift" for my loved ones. Some people are easy to shop for, others aren't. So I get frustrated when I can't come up with something good. But here's the thing. Immediately after Thanksgiving, one of the local radio stations starts playing 24/7 Christmas music like it's an acceptable thing. All the stores get super packed. If I have to go to Target for coffee filters, I have to navigate the Christmas crowds. Maybe I should go to Vons for coffee filters. Avoid it altogether. I almost want to just order them from Amazon, that way the only person I potentially have to face is the delivery guy, but Amazon gives me a tracking number that sometimes lets me know how many more stops the guy has to make before he gets to my place, which gives me a heads up that someone may be knocking on the door soon and I should probably not be sitting in the bathtub or otherwise indisposed.

This thinking led me to start thinking about the 1 year birthday party for my friend's son that I was invited to. Super nice people. But the party is a pancake-Christmas music-pajama party... with bonus points for rocking out in holiday pajamas.

Umm....I love pancakes.

I just don't know how to approach this kindly. So here it is: I don't love kids. I don't love Christmas music. I don't love being around a bunch of people (67 families invited.... 28 have confirmed they are going). I really don't want to be around a bunch of people in my pajamas (I mean, would I have to wear a bra?).

My coworker (who has 4 kids) tells me that parents don't even like birthday parties for their kids. Like big ones, where you invite the entire school. So he's steered his kids into more meaningful celebrations like camping or Lego Land or something like that. Kudos.

For a couple months I fretted about how I was going to come up with an excuse not to go. Finally, I figured I would just politely decline, sans excuse. I went on to the Facebook page for the event, clicked "Not going" and guess what? It didn't even give me a space to explain why. I'll leave it at that.

Then the other day, I received a group text about a "mellow/relaxed" bridal shower/bachelorette  lunch and/or spa. 7 people on the text. Instant anxiety. This is where I start to realize (I know, even after all the above paragraphs) that I've got issues. And here's where my brain goes: first of all, 7 girls, all together in one location. (OMG!!!). High energy, happy, cheerful girls. (What is my problem?) Spa: this one is tricky. I don't like my fingernails painted, and I like them trimmed to stubs. Nails are out. Pedicures are out as well. My feet are so incredibly sensitive, that during my last pedicure, the lady finally gave up touching them and just let them soak. Also- because I run, my toenails need to be kept at a certain length as well as certain angles. I know what angle each toenail needs to be at in order to not become ingrown and to not cut into the one next to it. I also don't like my toenails painted. I used to. That stopped after nearly losing a few toenails after the Boston Marathon and having to monitor their progress closely over the period of a few weeks.

I wouldn't mind a facial.... by a licensed dermatologist. There are so many things that can go wrong with a facial, that is not easily hid under a hat or a long sleeve shirt. I also am not prepared to spend a few hundred dollars on a facial. I also think it's weird to get group massages. Isn't that like a group orgy? Do you hear the other girls murmuring about how good it feels? Um...?

Which made me suddenly think about how incredibly picky and rigid I am. I like what I like and I don't like what I don't like. This is probably why I don't fight Mike (much) about being so picky about food and microbes and shoes in the house. I get it. I get what it's like to want things a certain way and have people push and prod for you to do something differently. But I know how this makes me come across. I can read everything I just wrote. Not liking all these things others enjoy. It makes me seem difficult and stubborn. Maybe I am.

And this is where it's difficult to ascertain whether it's my anxiety holding me back from these things or if it's that I just don't like doing these things. In response to me not wanting to go to some sort of party, Jen said "I thought your anxiety was getting better." It threw me a bit. I was thinking I just didn't want to go to the party. Jen was thinking it was a great thing to do, but maybe I was just having too much anxiety about it to feel like I would enjoy it. I don't even know how to properly think about that. Big get-togethers sound like a horrible thing to me. Is that because I'm anxious around groups of people or is that because I just don't enjoy big get-togethers. Or do I not enjoy big groups because I'm anxious around big groups?

When I start contemplating that, it feels a lot like trying to grasp dark matter in the book I'm reading about astrophysics by Neal DeGrasse Tyson.