White Flag

I've been on the verge of throwing up a white flag since my alarm went off this morning. I contemplated going back to sleep, but instead got up and poured coffee for Mike and I. I placed his on his bedside table, and took mine back to bed as well, and sipped it in the dark. I watched red numbers change on the alarm clock on the dresser.

I made it to the gym, but since I'm tapering for my marathon this Sunday, I just did an easy half hour of weights. It rained on my way home and while I showered. I had no desire to go teach my class. Early in the semester I have high hopes for my class, thinking if I just do something differently, they will care. They will come to class (on time), listen to my lecture, do their homework, and study for quizzes and exams. I realize you can't control other people's actions, but I also realize you can inspire them to take action.

I don't know what it takes to inspire an 18 year old to be responsible. I don't know how responsible I was as an 18 year old. I have a hint though... I recently read one of my diary entries from around that time, where I complained that my dad was being unreasonable for getting angry at me that he had been telling me for a week to do the dishes. A week. We rotated through chores at my house, and one week my chore was the dishes. Apparently that week, the dishes just continued piling up until my dad finally did them and left me a detailed bill. How unfair! He didn't realize how busy and stressed I was. How dare he!

Today is not only Monday, but it's also the first day back to the real world since Thanksgiving break. And I gave my class a quiz. I know, I'm a jerk. But they had fair warning, they knew it was coming. As we all stood out in the hallway waiting for the previous class to exit, I spotted a student that doesn't normally come to class. I figured he was there because we had a quiz. That's when most students decide to show up. When I was handing back homework, I noticed he wasn't there. That was odd. With the way our nation is going, I figure a university is a prime location for an active shooter. Last semester I would habitually bring up the contact info for the University Police, have it set so that all I had to do was open the phone and push a button, and set it on my table in front of me. Should something happen, I had the number ready. I haven't done that in awhile as I've been fairly comfortable with my students this semester. When that student showed up in the hallway, but never entered the classroom, I set up my phone again- ready to dial University Police in a second. While the students were taking their quiz, I searched through the homework they all turned in for his name, and found it. That explained it. He had dropped off his homework, didn't know there was a quiz because he rarely comes to class, and went home.

With two minutes left of the quiz, another student walked in. I handed him his quiz and told him he had two minutes. Three minutes later, I told everyone to hand their quizzes up. While students passed their quizzes to the front of the class, the late student came up to me with his quiz and tried to explain why he was late and why I should let him do the quiz after class. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the other students watching the exchange. He said he just got back (from being on vacation). I told him there were a few other students who were traveling back today and I told them they'd be unable to make up the quiz- it wouldn't be fair to allow him to. He said "Well yesterday I just had a bunch of things to do...and if I had known there was going to be a quiz, I probably could've made it on time."

It's amazing the miracles that could've happened if you had just known.

I told him there was no reason to be late to my class, and that the other students had known about the quiz, so why didn't he? Had he not been to the last several classes? He thought for a moment, then said he had been there (I doubt it).

"But this is a lot of points..." he argued.

"It is a lot of points. But I can't let you make it up and not let the other students make it up."

He tried a few more times while the rest of the class watched. Then he handed me his quiz, with one answer scribbled in, and sat down. I started to pull up the power point lecture, and he grabbed his stuff and walked out. I continued with what I was saying for a second, and then stopped. The class had watched the entire exchange. The student had been there all of five minutes. Two of them he had spent arguing with me. Sometimes I think it's more appropriate to pretend nothing happened. This wasn't one of those times. Maybe it was. Maybe I was just tired. I didn't want to be there either, but there I was.

I faced the class. Wide eyes looking back at me told me they all wondered how I was going to handle this. It wasn't that big of a deal as I get that sort of thing often, just usually after class or in an email. But it was Monday for all these students, the Monday after vacation.

"I know it's Monday. What's worse is that we're all coming back from being on vacation. And some students were not able to make it back in time for the quiz. I know you guys don't want to be here right now, and I know you didn't want to take a quiz this morning. But you guys made it here, and it's a good thing that you did. Because sometimes in life we have to do things we don't want to do. I'm sorry it's Monday, and I'm sorry you had a quiz. But you did it. And you all know you can't make up a quiz without a doctor's note, and I need to keep it fair for everyone."

There were some nods in the group. I moved on to our projected schedule for the remaining couple of weeks of class. We went over the Finals schedule and I made sure everyone (who was there) understood that the Finals schedule is made by the university and not me.... and therefore cannot be changed by me.

As I went into the lecture, the student who had been late and argued with me, came back into class, stuffing things into his backpack. He seems like a nice enough student and didn't seem threatening at all to me, even as he argued. He was not tense or angry, just embarrassed and desperate. I went on with the lecture and the remainder of the class period went peacefully.

When I got home, I ate lunch and sat down to grade the quizzes. Three quizzes in, I just couldn't keep going. I'm all out of drive. I want to curl under the blankets in the darkness of my room, and shut the world out.

But I want time to stop too, so that I don't fall (further) behind. I'm supposed to be writing a paper... but not until I figure out what to do with my new data. I'm supposed to be grading quizzes and homework, but it's zapping my will to go on.

I've decided to take a different approach to my class next semester... as I always do. New Year's resolutions of a sort. New Semester's resolutions. They are definitely getting quizzed on the syllabus. They will also get a more in depth introduction of myself. I usually don't give them very much background, but I think most of them believe I'm only a couple years older than them and don't really have any life experiences. Maybe I can be a little more inspirational next semester. It's too late for this class.... there is no hope.