Dejection

Thesaurus.com says the synonyms for discouragement are as follows: hopelessness, pessimism, dejection, depression, despair, disappointment, discomfiture (huh?), dismay, downheartedness, melancholy, sadness, and a few more that were less closely matching apparently. Yes, dejected. That fits here.

I sit in the 8th floor lab with my feet up on my desk, staring at my old physics, meteorology, computer programming, and GIS books. Sharky McSharkface shakes his hula skirt with a wide grin on his face, reminding me of happier times. Times when I wasn't choking down a sad salad wishing it was Phish Food ice cream.

I should've known by my uterine cramps at 5 am that today would be rough.

I teach a class of 55 students. Three of them have been MIA since week two, so they no longer count. Two more of them come and go randomly. So 50 something is what I'm left with. They all show up when there's a quiz scheduled.... and then 25 of them get up and leave after the quiz. Twenty five students can't just sneak out. It's like a mass exodus. I watch the remaining students watch the others file out and try to pretend I don't see them. I start my lecture.... and watch the eyelids start to droop.

It is days like this that I have no idea why I do this, other than to get my tuition paid, and a fraction of my rent paid for.

Ok, it's a noon class. Everyone is either starving or just ate a burrito from La Vic's. We're also in our first heat wave of the year... this is what a fellow meteorology grad student says to me.

Yeah, maybe.

Hawaii is stamped on McSharkface's solar powered podium. His torso shimmies opposite of his hula skirt clad hips (well... what would be shark hips anyway). He wears a pink lei and blue sunglasses. He seems so happy. I blink away tears while another grad student types away at his thesis programming code.

Even my salad is sad. I added dill and everything to make it interesting. It's not.

I have never had an affogato.

My Japanese homework goes untouched.... although it would probably take my mind off my apparently lame teaching methods.

The head of the department says not to take it personally. That was easy to do in a class of 25 students when only three got up and left. When 25 get up and leave.... well that does something to a person. I'm pretty sure even Buddha would feel a little tug in his chest at that one.

My fellow grad student says to me "You're doing it for the 25 that stay".

I'm sure they don't want to be there either, they just aren't assholes like the rest of them. I down a chocolate peanut butter smoothie to ease the pain and open up my Japanese book.