2 am is no friend of mine, but we've been seeing a lot of each other lately. My neighbor's ceiling fan has finally stopped sending pulsed humming noises into my bedroom, which I've been laying awake listening to for days. It has also stopped raining, which I laid awake listening to for two days. I don't remember if the rain coincided with the ceiling fan.
I'm pretty sure my neighbor has tuberculosis. His cough is terrible and it's been going on at least since he moved in a couple months ago. My mind drifts to any and all circulation vents in my apartment. I decide I'm closed off from his apartment, and let it go. Him and his wife also have a child. A small baby. One with high pitched shrieks that they endlessly coo to in an effort to silence it.
My neighbor snores. I'm jealous that's he's asleep.
A friend said "Text me if you're awake at 2 am, I probably will be too." But I don't. I don't because as I lay in bed awake at 2 am, I think about whether or not I could make it to the gym, and still get cleaned up in time for my doctor's appointment that would precede the class I'm teaching, which I don't have the homework graded for.... or actually the quizzes either, and all of that needs to be done before noon, and holy shit I need to get stuff done for my internship as my performance has been drastically sliding. I have to study for my oral quiz tomorrow in Japanese class, and I start doing calculations... and I start panicking, and I start crying. And I could text him and ask if he's awake and I could tell him that my stress level is so high that I'm crying and I don't know if I'm going to make it, and I picture his response "Don't worry, it's going to be ok."
And that is exactly what I cannot bear to hear right now. Telling someone who feels like things are definitely not ok, that things are going to be ok, is like telling a burning person that their feet are not on fire.
Well I don't know if it's exactly like that.
People with "real" anxiety tell me not to stress about it. It's not worth it. "Just let it go". And I wonder where in my life I went wrong that people assume that I should always be ok. That I can just decide to turn off my stress and anxiety.
My advisor is returning tomorrow night and I've done exactly zero with my thesis since he left. I'm editing a paper for a visiting foreign professor and I'm a page and a half into eight pages, and hoping two of those pages are references.
I think about going for a swim, but it's cold here and the pools are outdoor. The indoor pool a block from my apartment doesn't open until 8 am. I think about the indoor pool at 24 Hour Fitness in San Diego and how I could roll out of bed right now, step onto the warm pool deck in my bare feet, air thick with chlorine and high humidity, let my body be wrapped in the tepid water, and listen to the sloshing in my ears. Stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe, flip at the wall, brief silence, stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe.....
Ok, so then can you make it to the gym? But I don't want to go to the gym and it doesn't open until 5 am. You can clean the bathroom, that'll give you a dose of chlorine and check one more thing off your massive list.
I refuse to clean my bathroom at 3 am. I get up and take two Tylenol.
I could continue grading. I could work on my code for my internship. Maybe I could even do something wild and crazy like work on my thesis.
I roll over and put my arms over my face. What I really want is to sleep. I am exhausted. I am annoyed by the people who suggest that I just turn off my stress, my panic, my anxiety.
What are you going to do with that spinach you bought? You were going to scramble it with eggs, but you boiled the eggs, and you didn't get any other vegetables for salad. It's just going to sit in the refrigerator and go bad. Really. I'm stressing about spinach now. Please just go to sleep.
It's now approaching 4 am. At 4:45, my coffee pot will click on and start gurgling and dripping. Coffee aroma will drift into my room and I will consider getting up. I will instead doze off. My alarm will go off at 5:30 am and I will be jolted into blurry confusion.
I consider telling my doctor I can't sleep. The last time I saw my doctor she suggested I cut back on, and possibly completely stop, caffeine. For a not very good reason that I won't get in to. I can only imagine her stance on the topic if I told her I'm not sleeping between 2 and 5 am. How do you tell an insomniac not to drink coffee in the morning? I generally do not drink caffeine after 3 pm and I'm at about 3 cups a day, so I don't think coffee is the problem.
I stare up at the ceiling in the darkness and brainstorm about what makes me feel sleepy. All of this. Feeling sleepy is not the problem. I'm sleepy, I'm tired, I'm exhausted. My rapid heart rate, racing thoughts, and overall feeling of distress, is the problem. Just let it go. It's going to be ok. My agitation is the problem. My brain is the problem.
And now I'm staring at a computer screen (with computer glasses on, thank you) at 4 am on a Tuesday, and this week is just going to have its way with me.
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