Anger

What is anger?

I suppose it could be argued that anger comes from the same place that all our other emotions come from and is just as valid. But I wonder if anger is something different, in a class all its own. These days when I feel anger, I try to pause and figure out where it's coming from. I try to be compassionate towards myself and allow myself to feel emotions, but anger might be an exception.

I recently experienced a break-up from a man I thought I was going to marry. We had visions of our future together, and while we were complete opposites, we melded together perfectly. When the relationship ended, I was shocked at his complete lack of emotional response. Then again, his emotional response had been absent for some time. Today he came and picked up his things from my apartment, without as much as a "hello" or "how have you been?". While I have already mostly moved on, I found his coldness stirred me to anger.

What is there to be angry about?

Even if he did show some sort of feeling, the relationship is over. We're past the point of mending it. There was nothing to talk about, really no words to be said. But I felt angry just the same.

I'm angry that such an amazing relationship just collapsed before my eyes. I'm angry that he could not find it within himself to bridge a long distance relationship with something other than an occasional text message. I'm angry that someone who used to be so incredibly gentle and supportive and caring towards me has turned completely cold and can't even look at me, much less talk to me.

But am I really? Is it really anger I feel?

A few years ago, I strained a muscle in my neck doing pull-ups. There was a strange popping sound and I dropped from the bar. I waited a second, moved my head around a little bit, and thought maybe I was okay. Within a few minutes, the muscles in my neck had spasmed so badly that I could no longer move my head and the pain was unbearable. The doctor gave me muscle relaxers, vicodin, and ibuprofen. He said it wasn't the injured muscle that was the problem, it was the spasming muscles around it that were attempting to protect the injured area.

It's so much easier to feel anger rather than hurt, disappointment, or unloved. It hurts to go from meaning so much to someone, to meaning nothing at all. When someone you love no longer finds you worth their time, it's painful. And perhaps anger is the protective spasm around our emotions, protecting us from the hurt.

I've known some pretty angry people in my life and it has been my experience that they have a history of deep hurts and betrayals. It is far easier to feel anger than to accept the hurt.

Anger comes so quick, in a flash. It lashes out before we can even stop it. It's an instinctive response to emotional injury, and one I think, that can be unconditioned. When we feel anger rise up in us, I think it's important to stop and ask where it's coming from. Why are we feeling it? Chances are there's something else. And that something else is a valid emotion that deserves attention. Otherwise anger becomes our go-to technique, and that is less "okay" than feeling the emotions it's trying to cover up.