In my own skin

Perhaps some people are meant to walk the world alone, and I wonder if I will always be that person. Understand, that frequently affords me more benefits than heartache. I rarely have to make compromises, although maybe that has spoiled me.

I wonder how I acquired this characteristic of taking what I want, working towards a goal and achieving it- choosing a path and running with it. I don't believe I have ever been wishy washy. If I want to do something, I do it. Mind you that does not necessarily mean things came easy, because they did not. But I guess I just don't think twice about the work and the sacrifices, because if it's worth doing, you just have to give it your all.

I walked out of the movie theater today, making my way through the crowd of shoppers, and it occurred to me that I was under dressed. I felt out of place in this upscale environment I suddenly found myself in. Everyone was dressed up, couples danced in an outdoor restaurant patio, another restaurant had a line out the door of people dressed to the nines.

I was my own movie date, I bought myself a bouquet of flowers yesterday (and received an edible arrangement today!). If you want to assure you'll have flowers on your birthday, just buy them. Don't wait for someone to do it for you.

"Don't be ordinary", Shelly told me years ago, although I forget the rest of the conversation.

Me being alone on my birthday is my own doing, and nothing new. I left San Diego (home) years ago, chasing some part of me that needed to wander. But maybe it's because no matter how far away I roam, I will always have a home to run to. I will always have loved ones standing by, welcoming me for Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, a weekend, or just because. And so my bravery may very well be based on the knowledge of my safety net. Go forth and do brave things, for we are never far from home.

And my heart longs to wander- and I mentioned Jerusalem to Jason, and he said "We'll see, I don't know if I'll have enough money by then." And it made me pause, because I just assumed I would somehow make it work, but other people don't think that way.

So maybe I get a little sad when I travel alone, buy my own flowers, take myself to the movies, and put together a delicious dinner to go with a great glass of wine....to enjoy all by myself. But in reality, I will always go and do the things I want to do, even if it's by myself, even while in a relationship. I am thankful that I am not one to be uncomfortable to eat alone in a restaurant- otherwise how would I have eaten while traveling alone? I am not afraid to go off into strange places by myself- how could I have been to such amazing places?

So yes, I will always trek on. With or without someone. I will not hold off exploring the world simply because I don't want to do it alone. I will embrace uncertainty. As my "body metrics" told me at the Tech Museum- I am a confident doer. I will just keep going forth and doing. Whatever that may be.