You guys know I can be long-worded sometimes (actually got that comment on one of my physics lab write-ups recently), and since it's been a month, I should probably fill you in on what's been going on in my life.
Mostly school work and studying, really. We've now entered into a special domain of hell known as "Finals Week". What's great about that is that leading up to finals week, the instructors like to pile on a heavy dose of extra information, just to make sure we get everything in. This ensures that I will be exhausted and most likely sick before finals week arrives.
Last week I started to feel run down. Too many days in a row of staying up late to finish projects, papers, homework, studying, etc. Knowing finals week was approaching, I desperately sought out extra sleep, healthy food, and exercise.
I knew it was of no use though. I currently have a string of swollen lymph nodes marching up the side of my neck like a strand of jumbo pearls. There's a few on the other side too, and behind my ear, and up under my jaw, but there are 5-8 of them up the right side of my neck. It's scary what pops up when you google "multiple swollen lymph nodes". I don't suggest it.
So my immune system is having a bit of a tough time with finals week, as usual. This is a normal thing for me. I was miserably sick last semester for finals, bringing in an entire roll of toilet paper in with me to my classes, along with a plastic bag to throw the used tissue in. It's not that bad yet this time. Yet. But those huge lymph nodes keep breeding. I'm waiting for the explosion.
Meanwhile, I have just finished my third of 5 final exams. I think I'm going to make it.
At the end of the week, on May 23rd, I will be riding my very first Century. 108 miles of fairly flat terrain. Hopefully the weather will be nice and I will not be deathly ill. It's the Art of Survival Century in Tule Lake.
I have been attending a Buddhist church for a little over a month now. I myself was a little surprised by the mix of words there: Buddhist and church. But there you have it. The church belongs to the Buddhist Churches of America and this church/temple is San Jose Betsuin. This sect of Buddhism is called Shin Buddhism, or Jodo Shinshu.
I was first introduced to Buddhism as an undergrad in college, given the assignment to investigate some other culture, religion, etc, and give a speech on it. I chose Buddhism because it seemed interesting and I found the statues of Buddha peaceful.
I did indeed find Buddhism a peaceful and comforting religion/philosophy. Over the years I've acquired a few books on the topic and read them occasionally when I need to be straightened out.
I was raised in a Christian home, the violent kind that taught beating children and wives into submission, fear of hell and eternal damnation. I was also fortunate enough to have a family that had split when I was young. I had a safe place to go on weekends, and sometimes Tuesday nights, when it was my dad's turn at custody.
As I got older, I came to realize that not all Christians believed the same thing. There were similarities, yes, but also many differences. In high school I joined a Baptist church. Until they gave a special two-weekend seminar to the youth group outlining why all the other religions in the world were wrong. Buddhism was wrong because they worshiped statues. Having just done my report on Buddhism for my first semester of college, I knew this was incorrect. It bothered me that a church that "welcomes everyone", and preaches love and understanding, could either be completely ignorant on what they were teaching, or spreading false statements. I stopped going.
Occasionally I attended an Episcopal church in San Diego's notoriously gay community that not only boasted the occasional female minister, but also openly accepted the gay/transgender community. That was a little more like it, as the bible specifically states, "Judge not- lest ye yourself be judged". It is not for us to decide how another should live. We've got our hands full with ourselves as it is.
I eventually fell away from that, just not feeling completely in harmony with the Christian religion.
Fast forward 15 or so years.
Spring break happened. I spent (wasted) nearly the entire week stressing over things that I didn't need to stress over. I was a mess. I was so highly anxious that I felt ill. For an entire week. Morning, noon and night. I couldn't sleep. My life was completely out of my control and it was freaking me out. I was inconsolable. I complained to anyone who would listen. I pondered changing universities, switching majors, quitting my (kinda) job. I was beyond a wreck.
I picked up my books on Buddhism and began re-reading them.
One night I tried explaining to Jason why I felt the need to control everything. There was so much of my life that was out of control (including losing so many people that I loved), that I had to hang tight to whatever control I could muster over my life. He had a sort of "aha" click suddenly, his facial expression briefly changed. He said nothing. He just listened. But I had noticed.
I lay awake that night thinking of how truly blessed I was to have him. How truly blessed I am to have all the amazing people in my life that I have.
The next morning I sat with my coffee and googled something to the effect of trying to control your life. I came across the website TinyBuddha.com and this wonderful article: Let Go of Control. It was amazing. I read several more articles and immediately felt at peace. Jason and I had an amazing day, and my "freak-out session" was over. I felt foolish for wasting an entire week stressing about things that 1) hadn't even happened yet and were not guaranteed to happen, and 2) were outside of my control anyway and therefore not worth the anxiety.
Out of curiosity, I googled Buddhist temples in the area. There were a few. I actually read the Yelp reviews (I mean, what's a girl to do?). Being experienced in diving into new and unfamiliar situations, I realized that it would most likely not harm me to attend a Buddhist church or temple. I mean really.
I was tentative for sure. But the worst that could happen was that I wouldn't like it and didn't have to go again. I was an adult after all (so I'm told) and get to decide these things.
It also happened to be Easter, which I figured would be no big deal, since Easter doesn't really come into play for Buddhists (unless they are also Christian- Shin Buddhists do not mind if you simultaneously follow another religion).
Turns out though, that Easter coincided with Hanamatsuri, the celebration of the birth of the founding Buddha (Shakyamuni Buddha). Even better. There would be a combined service for English and Japanese speakers, as well as for all the youth programs. There would be a ton of people, so I could probably slip in unnoticed.
I wasn't completely unnoticed, but people were very kind and welcoming, offered to teach me how to roll sushi, and invited me back.
I wanted to see what a normal service was like, so I went the next week. Instead of being in the large gym that was needed to accommodate all the people the prior week, this service was in the hondo (temple). I felt such peace for the remainder of the week, and looked forward to the next service. I've been going ever since.
A couple of things I think are worth mentioning.
Like many other religions, not all Buddhists believe exactly the same thing. There are different sects within Buddhism. This is Shin, or Pure Land Buddhism. The ministers can marry, they don't have monks or nuns. They drink coffee, alcohol apparently (of course in moderation), and even eat meat.
A note on the meat thing. I was relieved about this. There are several different views you can take on this. Buddhism is based on the belief that all sentient beings are equal. To take life from another is one of the highest violations you can do to someone. It has been said, that Buddha (and another lesser known thing- there are thousands of Buddhas- they are just normal people who have come to Enlightenment or are Awakened) ate meat. Monks used to live off alms from the village people. They ate what people gave them, and sometimes this involved meat. To turn it away would be showing ungratefulness. If the villagers could eat it, so would the monks. They could eat meat as long it is was not horse or elephant, as they are considered sacred, and as long as it wasn't dog (possibly because it was unclean?), and also as long as there was no reason to believe that it was killed specifically for them.
But now we have the ability to choose not to eat meat. We can supplement our diets to be perfectly healthy without any animal products.
But where do we draw the line with what is allowed to live, and what we must kill for food? As ridiculous as it might sound, broccoli was once alive, and by eating it, you are ending that life. I know, I know, you might say. But obviously broccoli is a plant and therefore much less worthy of life, and so we can kill it and eat it and it's ok. I don't know, it's debatable.
Regardless of your beliefs on the subject, one should always be grateful for whatever we're able to eat, as not only was it once a living creature (tree or animal) that possessed a beauty of life, but we are fortunate to have full bellies when we lay down to sleep at night, as not everyone is so lucky.
I told you this was going to get long. If you're still reading this, congratulations. You're either bored or procrastinating something else.
Another thing that comforted me to hear: both ministers, on several occasions, have said something like "some say it happened this way, others say it happened another way, whether it even happened at all is not the point. The point is that the story gave people hope." or "whether or not these stories really happened is not the point. We are told these stories because there is a lesson in there that we are supposed to take from it and incorporate it into our everyday lives."
I don't know if it is out of line for me to say so and I certainly do not mean any offense, but I think the world would be a much more peaceful place if all religions felt this way. We have stories, beliefs, and traditions for a reason. And those reasons are to make us better people. But often we use them as a reason to try to change or influence another. They are there to work on us. On our greed, judgment, selfishness, etc.
I like that no one here is trying to make me believe in something that does not make logical sense to me (not that I'm able to make logical sense of much- there is plenty out there beyond my understanding). The Buddha is said to have said "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
So I could eat meat, drink alcohol, coffee, eat sugar (in moderation)...but I still had one more major thing I wasn't buying into.
I believe that our "selves" are generated by electrical impulses in the brain. I believe that when we die, those impulses turn off, and we simply cease to exist. I believe, as science tells us (although science is not always correct, and we just keep learning) that energy (and matter) is neither created nor destroyed. When we die, our bodies give off energy in the form of heat, which is why our bodies slowly cool after death. We eventually (or quickly in the case of cremation) make our way back to being carbon atoms, the very basis of life on this earth.
Interesting side note on this. So, matter is neither created nor destroyed. You don't get all these new crazy atoms when you're conceived. You get old ones. Hand-me-downs from Einstein or Edgar Allen Poe, or Elvis. Or dinosaurs. Perhaps the carbon that makes up your left pinky finger was once the skin of a stegosaurus. It's just all recycled! Your atoms are millions of years old! But I digress...
So I don't believe that our energy can stay together and travel as a magical ball and end up somewhere else, completely in tact. I don't know how it all would work. How would our future world continue to regenerate and create future beings, plants, animals, rocks, water, etc, without that energy that you just took with you somewhere? I think it just gets dissipated and transferred to something else. And life goes on.
So I have a problem with reincarnation. Again, I don't know any facts and I do not know of anyone who truly does. So I can only tell you what makes sense to me and what I can truly believe in my heart.
The Sunday before last, the minister mentioned how we "come back". He said "Now I'm not talking reincarnation here", and went on to describe how when we lose those we love, suddenly we remember all the things they told us, that we never really listened to when they were here. They are with us more after they have died, because we are constantly thinking of them. And as he has said before, our interactions with people make them a permanent part of our lives. They become so much a part of us that we can never truly be separated from them.
I found it curious that the minister made it a point to clarify that he was not talking about reincarnation. I went home and googled it. Guess what? Not all Buddhists believe in reincarnation. For some, it goes against the very foundation of what Buddhism teaches, and that is impermanence. Nothing is forever. Why then would we think our souls or spirits could go on forever, just in another body?
Another lesson: we are all interconnected. We cannot be completely independent of the rest of this world. The idea that you might be reborn as a dog should teach you several things. 1) Be nice to dogs. They may have been your mother in a past life. 2) Be nice to all creatures. 3) Do not behave as animals, lest you be reborn as one.
Scriptures were written at certain times in history to benefit the society of that time. Now I am certainly not a master of any scripture, and very new to Buddhism, so I'm not educated as to where this all came from. But what I can say, is that across all religions, there is a difference in how people within that religion believe and practice. And I think we should all be okay with that.
I feel like that sealed it. I can eat meat, drink wine (does all that sound shallow?) and don't have to believe in reincarnation....or really anything else that doesn't quite make sense to me.
What is does mean, is that I have a responsibility to be compassionate to all beings, to live a life of gratitude, because this life is not here forever. I should live my life knowing that nothing is permanent. No hardship, and no happiness, will last forever. I should be concerned not only with ending my own suffering, but that of others as well, though practicing compassion and gratitude.
I was reading a book last night written by a lay-minister in Texas. "Dandelions", by Michael G Lawrence. It's short, a fast,easy read. He works at a maximum security prison, and was raised Christian, with several ministers in his family. His book is sort of a journal, written very casually. His second entry in the book is titled "Am I a convert?".
I laughed when I read the title. I don't know how to answer that either. For some reason I feel like that's a touchy subject. Apparently I'm not the only one. He says:
"I started out a Christian, but had many unanswered questions. I then studied other religions with the same results. I had my own beliefs and ideas but just needed a religion that made sense to me. I finally found Buddhism and am fully satisfied. Am I a convert? Or have I been Buddhist all along?"
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