Good Enough (continued)

I'm a firm believer in being hard on myself. Usually very hard on myself. There comes a time though, when enough is enough.

This is one of those times.

Truth be told, I've been hard on myself all day today. It started around 2:48 am when I woke up and put more wood in the woodstove. I was fairly awake, which meant at 4:30 when my alarm clock went off, I'd be groggy. We've been through this before and every time it's the same. I told myself to just get my day started now since I didn't want to face the groggy fight to get out of bed. Well that's just silly. I went back to bed.

My alarm clock went off at 4:30am and just like I knew would happen, I was too groggy to want to get out of bed. Maybe I'll skip the gym. I've been so good lately, one day won't hurt.

Get out of bed! Came the reply in my head. I closed my eyes and rolled away from my alarm clock. When I rolled back over it was 4:45. Now Carrie, get out of bed now.

I don't remember what time I finally got out of bed, but I coaxed myself out by promising two cups of coffee instead of the usual one. And I promise you can go to bed super early tonight. Like 7, if you feel like it.

I made coffee and poked around at the woodstove. I started pouring more pellets into the pellet stove and dumped half of them on the floor. I was sleepy and exasperated. I picked them up, packed my lunch and stuck a bowl of oatmeal in the microwave. When I opened it again, the oatmeal had boiled over and was all over the microwave. Ugh!

I tossed what was left of it into my lunch box, cleaned the microwave and started the car. I came back in and made a protein shake for breakfast and one for after the gym, got in my car and went to the gym. Two cups of coffee and all, I still wanted to just crawl onto a mat and sleep. I didn't dare sit down for any exercises. In between push-ups and bent over rows, I eyed a bench warily. It called my name. Just sit for a second. One second won't hurt. I looked away and chose to ignore it.

After my workout I went off to work. Since it was cold, I wasn't going to run until it warmed up, but it occured to me that it would probably be snowing later.

After lunch I stared out the window at the dumping snow. "If you went running when you first started thinking about it, you'd be back by now". Yeah yeah.

I decided I would run after work, in the gym, where it was warm. Really? You promised I could go to bed early. Suck it up, it's just one night, you'll survive.

Around 2:30 the snow let up and there were occasional guest appearances from the sun. Go now!!! I don't wanna go! Ok, fine. Just get changed and see how you feel after that.

I changed into a pair of warm tights, a thermal under armour shirt and some wool running socks. I looked out the window. Is it snowing again?! Not that bad, get your headband and gloves on, grab a radio and go.

I put on my shoes, my gloves, my headband, grabbed a hand held radio and peaked out the door. It was snowing firm tiny snowflakes. You can do this.

I took off up the hill. Maybe just 3 miles. Oh quit it. It's not snowing that hard, you are plenty warm and you have a radio. You are going 8 miles. Maybe 5? There's no reason, other than your own weakness, that you can't do 8 miles today. Ok, ok, I'll do 8.

I jogged up the muddy mountain road as not-so-fluffy snowflakes pecked at my face. I watched them bounce off my nose and cling to my eyelashes. I watched the sky. Big looming clouds hung in the air with occasional gauzy blue sky. Seven. How about 7? How about you shut up and do 8?

As I approached the peak of the road I was running on, I could see that a storm hung in the drainage where I was going to turn around and head back. How about 5? Actually it would be 5 and a half, which is better than 5. It was 2.2 up to the S*&t Ponds (don't ask), 1.6 to the Y and 1.6 back. Basically 5 and a half miles. Uphill in the snow and mud. And that storm is gonna beat you back. Ok, 5 and a half it is.

My body was tired. I considered it to possibly be a result of the attitude I had started with, not wanting to run at all. Then again it could be a result of my coworker running me into the ground the day before yesterday.

I reached the Y (a fork in the road) and turned and ran back down the hill, sliding in the mud the whole way. I rounded a corner and my right foot suddenly weighed more as I picked up a clod of mud. I finally made it back to "The Knoll" and walked across the cattle guard and down to the station. I turned and looked at the dark sky building behind me. Maybe you should run back up and finish the last 2.5 miles.

My response was a two word reply that translates to something like, the heck with that.

When I got home, I pulled into the driveway at 5:15pm, put my bags in the house and changed into a heavier jacket. I grabbed the mail from the mailbox and dropped it on the dining room table, grabbed my leather gloves and the log tote from the floor by the woodstove and headed to my back yard. I split and carried in 3 loads of wood and then went out to the carport and carried in 2- 40lb bags of pellets for the pellet stove.

At 5:30 I knelt down in front of the wood stove to coax a fire into burning.

5:50- Reheated leftover lamb curry (homemade of course) and sat down to eat.

6pm- Ran a hot bath and filled the pellet stove with pellets. Plopped into the tub.

6:30- Was overheated from the scalding hot water and pulled my tired body out. Put on my awesome frog slipper-socks and pj's and settled in front of the computer to finish writing this.

It is now 7:02pm. I am going to grab my kindle, brush my teeth and go to bed. As promised. Sometimes it is ok to do a little less than we set out to do, because sometimes the struggle lies in simply setting out.