Superman for sure

People often ask me how it is I do what I do. I'm sure they just assume I'm perfectly capable of carrying things the big guys carry with the grace and swiftness of a mountain goat. Plenty people have assured me that I'm in extraordinary shape. Either they don't grasp the true reality of what I do, or they look upon me as if I'm superman.

If they could see me staggering up the side of a steep mountain with 40 lbs of gear on my back, wearing long sleeves, long pants, tall leather boots, wool socks and a helmet in 90 degree weather with absolutely no breeze or shade to speak of, they might think differently. They might wonder what the hell I was thinking when I signed up. Believe me, I didn't realize it would be so difficult when I signed up. Nobody told me there would be times I would seriously consider throwing my body over the side of the mountain or otherwise maiming myself so that I wouldn't have to finish the hike or the dreaded "dead snake" drill.

I think it's less of "rolling with the punches" and more of learning to actually take the punches and be quiet about it. There's a certain fear that comes with the anticipation of a tough PT hike or training drill. I know I'm not the only one who feels it, as is evident by the unnatural silence that takes over the engine as we drive to our destination. I'm sure everyone (except those in the best of shape) is thinking, like I am, "I'm going to die" or "I'm going to vomit... like right now". Amazingly, the chatter picks back up again after the hike or training, regardless of the exhaustion of the crew. Pure relief I'm sure.

It's the ability to sit quietly while fear, anxiety and anticipation boil up in your stomach, wanting to explode or make you turn and run away. It's looking straight up the side of a mountain while your legs and lungs are being torn to pieces and knowing you're only a third of the way up... and still being able to make your feet continue on.

I don't know what it is about quitting, but I think it's much easier to do after having failed before. When you've managed to make it up the hill time and time again, it gets harder to quit. And even though that voice gets louder and louder and your feet get heavier and heavier... you keep moving. I really wish I knew why. I think I would stop.