Having been single now for over a year, I’m starting to let my mind wander on who my next relationship will be with. I do very well on my own and enjoy being single. I certainly enjoy not being with someone who makes me feel unhappy and unworthy of love and affection, particularly because I don’t have those feelings when I’m single. Being single does not make me feel unloved or unlovable. It does not make me feel unworthy of someone’s time and attention. My last relationship ended because I felt those things. Thankfully I’m older and slightly more wiser than the days I wrote in my diary about trying to change myself to make someone love me. Those days are long gone, and if I could grab that girl by the shoulders and shake her and tell her to wake the hell up, I would. It has taken me too long to figure out that I do not need to change myself in order for someone to love me, and I don’t need to be paired to feel love and happiness. I create my own happiness.
But of course, relationships can be nice. So I’ve taken to wearing jeans instead of sweatpants for a quick trip to the store. I’m using every facial cream I can get my hands on (those wrinkles are popping up like crazy!). I don’t wear makeup anymore and probably never will again, so that saves me some time. I wear deodorant. I brush my teeth in case I find myself in a conversation with a handsome man in the frozen foods section. I wouldn’t want to blow my chances. I try to keep my eyebrows under control. I smile at people on the train (ok...only occasionally). I shave sometimes. But that might be because I spend a lot of time in gym/running shorts.
I’m not actively looking to be in a relationship, probably because there’s a large part of me that understands that relationships take a lot of work and can be frustrating and heartbreaking, while I don’t feel the same way about single-hood. But you never know. So I look around. I look at the faces of the men around me (and sometimes smile and nod) just in case “the one” is someone I meet at the airport, or the coffee shop, or the grocery store. I look at what’s in their carts, how they stand, what’s on their left hand (because let’s not go there), how they are dressed.
There are a lot of men out there, but one thing I’ve noticed far too much of: most of them look (and are) too young. How is it that I’ve reached an age where adult men can actually be too young for me? No, I am not going to date a man (I use that word loosely) who is in his 20’s. That is absurd. Maybe one day (when I’m much older) I will. Not these days. And I was looking around the airport while simultaneously looking for breakfast and a much needed cup of coffee and it hit me: they are all so damn young! Ok, not that old guy over there hunched over his newspaper, but pretty much everyone else.
Now, I’m not old. Let’s just get that straight. But wow, why does everyone look 20? There’s a lot of “nope” out there, I’ll tell ya. There’s a lot of creep out there too. And the scary thing is, sometimes they don’t look like creep. Until it’s too late, and they know where you live and you wonder if you’re going to have to move.
Then there’s the actual dating part, when you’re getting to know someone. It’s seriously painful. I know some people think it’s fun. Since I don’t like people in general, I don’t think it’s fun. Getting my wisdom teeth pulled was more fun. You actually have to have a conversation with someone who’s nearly a stranger and see if you like the same things. You have to try to eek out whether or not there’s a potential restraining order in your future (take that how you will). And everyone has those weird things that you wonder if they’re deal breakers. How do you find those things out before things go too far? How do you find out whether or not someone has a tail before you’re standing there naked with someone you think you might love, and… what the hell is that?
My apologies to anyone with a tail. We’re all different, we all like different things. It’s just not my thing. No offense.
And I would like to be able to ask in a date interview, “So how good are you at putting effort into your relationships? Can you list for me the reasons why your last three relationships ended? And do you maybe think I’m a great idea right now but in six months after I’ve already fallen in love with you, will you decide that I am not worth the effort it takes for you to pick up the phone and call me? To have an actual conversation. Because I do require communication.”
I might still be a little bitter. Good thing I’m single and not attending any dates.
See, effectively dating takes a lot of time and effort. You really have to get to know someone before you decide they’re the one. And if it takes several months to decide if a relationship is even worth the effort, and in theory you only date one person at a time (again, everyone is different, but I’ve got my own personal preferences), it could take years (years!) to nail down the right relationship.
This is why being in a relationship is not (and has not been for awhile) a goal for me. If it happens, it happens. If not, whatever. I’ve got better things to do.
